Six Months Out

An update on my life

Six months ago, it became glaringly obvious I needed to stop living with my mom. Within, a couple days I learned of someone looking for a roommate in her house. Two weeks later I moved out. There were many reasons to question if this was a good decision. Instead of focusing on the negatives, I realized it was an opportunity to take a chance on myself. If I can’t bet on myself then there is a big problem.

In addition, I received the results of my recent autism assessment. As I suspected, I am autistic. This was a lot to process to say the least, but this diagnosis gave me a new understanding and appreciation of myself. I am fine with being autistic but am disgusted with the uneducated medical system that didn’t seem to be able to even consider that I may be Autistic.

My mom’s exact words as I left were, “Don’t hurry back.” I believe my mom and siblings never expected I would leave and continue to help my mom as she ages. Although, I didn’t share that I moved with my siblings I am sure my mom came up with a wonderful story about why I moved for my siblings and the neighbors. It quickly became apparent she didn’t want any reminders of me in the house. How touching - I have graciously helped you with basically everything for my entire life - and now that I am leaving you want nothing to do with me. I haven’t been as accommodating the past few years, as I realized I am an adult and don’t need to do everything you want me to or attempt to read your mind, which increased the friction in our relationship. What I realize now is the way I responded to my mom is a trauma response I had not grown out of.

The only one of my four siblings, I heard from was my brother. He was surprised and proud of me. I shared my Autism diagnosis with him, and he questioned me extensively. I didn’t appreciate his response and so I told him I didn’t want to discuss neurodiversity anymore. Then, I didn’t hear from anyone until July. I was most upset that sister 1 didn’t make any attempt to contact me. In 2009, her husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, and I was at her house the same day. Sister 2 and I stayed for several days to help with their 6-month-old son. I didn’t help with the expectation of something in return, but this really hurts. How hard would it be to call and say, “What’s up?” Now, I realize now is my siblings don’t want to deal with the past or our mother who is nearly impossible to please. Guess what - neither do I!!! Fortunately, sister 1 did call me on my birthday and I spent an afternoon with her and my nephew. I really enjoyed seeing my 17-year-old nephew and was so impressed that he asked how I was doing. His concern was very touching.

I realized it has been a long time that since it has been safe to express my feelings. I suspect I have been masking in hopes I would connect with others for my whole life. Now, I am learning how to give myself the same kindness I have extended to so many others. There are unexpressed emotions inside me which have been waiting a long time to be expressed. Experiencing the emotions can be quite unpleasant at times, but I try to embrace the unpleasantness knowing it will subside. There have been days it took an enormous effort to get out of bed and function at any level. These days aren’t easy but accepting my need for rest seems to best way to deal with them. I am grateful I don’t feel the constant need to perform for someone.

In addition to masking, I generally feel overwhelmed by the multitude of tasks which need to be completed on any given day. Instead of spending significant amounts of time wondering where to begin, I start doing something. Movement leads to progress. Sometimes mistakes are made but that is ok too. I hope as I work with my uncomfortable feelings there will be less of them.

For the first time, I am putting my needs first. I have a lot of things I want to do and want to live life on my terms. There continues to be a lot of uncertainty in my life, but I am proud of the personal progress I have made. As Elton John sings, “I’m still standing.” 💃🏻